I’m graduating and I’m not excited about it.
In about four weekdays, I’ll be done with my final exams, marking the completion of my coursework for my undergraduate degree. These past weeks have been rough due to the stress of my impending final projects and papers, but it wasn’t until these past days that I realized- a lot of those assignments are over. I’m nearly there.
It’s a weird feeling entering the year 2021 knowing that you’re a part of the class of 2021, and it’s even weirder entering graduation season because you know it’s really time now. As great as it is to reach such a milestone, I can’t say that I’m excited.
I had no idea that March 11, 2020 would be the last day that I’d sit in a physical classroom interacting with my professor and classmates in my time as an undergrad. I’d never get to attend a single club meeting in person or meet any of the classmates in my group chats that I’ve so heavily relied on for support and managed to connect with. As involved as I’ve tried to get over the past year of virtual learning, it has been an incredibly lonely, isolating experience.
After a full year of phone calls, Zoom calls, and heavy social media reliance, I feel like I’ve lost contact with the outside world that once existed but is now engulfed in this bubble of fear and anxiety due to a global pandemic. Like many others, I never thought this would be an experience I’d have in my lifetime.
As I reach the end of my school year, I feel stuck.
Stuck in the cycle of late nights, procrastinating on sleep because I’ve lost control of so many aspects of life and feeling that the only thing I can control is my sleep; Stuck in the cycle of waking up right before class and losing focus during lecture because I can only ever think about how lonely I feel despite having a class full of people on my screen and messages awaiting at my fingertips; Stuck because the only people I see in person are my family members and there’s only so much love to give in a day before it gets exhausting trying to be happy and positive all the time; Stuck because I’d worked so hard to open up my introvert self and become more bold and overcome my social anxiety just to reverse all my progress while being in isolation.
I’m stuck because I don’t know what the future holds for a college graduate with no clinical experience due to loss of opportunity during a pandemic, in a job market full of businesses that are downsizing but continually raising their expectations. Most of all, I’m stuck because I haven’t been truly free of homework and assignments since I was in kindergarten, and there’s no manual to guide me on how to cope with life post-graduation.
If you, too, are experiencing this, know that you are not alone.
